The story of our beginnings

The story of our beginnings

"All children mythologize their birth.  It is a universal trait.  You want to know someone?  Heart, mind and soul?  Ask them to tell you about when he was born.  What you get wont be the truth; it will be a story.  And nothing is more telling than a story."

That's how it begins for most.  Where the story of their life starts.  Mine starts later.  Oh, yes there are those years before where I grew and learned and grew some more, but not when life started. 

I'm 43.  I'm divorced and recently ended a six year relationship.  Its a point in time.  A chance to look back.  To see where I've gone wrong, and what I can do to change things.  If this story (and isn't it all just a wonderful story) helps you, entertains you, angers you, or whatever - then rejoice, for you are actually feeling something.  Emotions. 

I am at a crossroads in my life at this point, and just need to reflect.  To make sure I make the right decision and dont jump.  Like I did 13 years ago.  But that's a tale for another time.  As for now, relax and listen to my tale...

Junior High Confessions

My Diary.  I first received a diary when I was in 3rd grade.  It came with 3 little colored pencils and I would write in it every night.  I remember the cover was blue - leather like - but not real leather with gold trimmed pages.  I wish I could find it.  But its lost to time and space.

Instead, I have number 2.  This diary I received in 1981 from my sister.  I haven't read it in years.  It says PRIVETE on the side.  Yes, PRIVETE.  I guess that's how I spelled Private when I was in 7th grade.  I'm not the best speller, thank god for spell check.

But here goes....  My Diary... from 1981 and beyond...

Saturday, 12/26/1981: Today is the day after Christmas.  I just called Andrea. She’s my best friend and we told each other what we got for Christmas.  I got a color TV for my room!  She got a gunny pig and rainbow stuff.  You see, we are collecting rainbows.  Maybe someday I can find the pot of gold!

Wed, 12/30/81:  Today I played with my friend Tracy.  I like her - sometimes.  I mean she's OK.  She's not my best friend like Andrea. She can get on your nerves. People say her dad looks like Clark Kent from Superman, but I don't think so.  Superman is a lot cuter.

Thurs, 12/31/81:  Tonight is New Year’s Eve and I'm sleeping over at Tracy's house.  There's not much to talk about today so I'll see you in the New Year.

Fri, 1/1/82: Happy New Year!  I slept over to Tracy's house last night and we stayed up until 1:30am.  I earned $5.00 for babysitting her brother and sister with her.  Today's breakfast was terrible.  The pancakes tasted like the batter.  Yuck!

Sun, 1/3/82:  Yesterday I called up Tracy to see if she could play.  Well, her mom said she was playing with Andrea.  So, I called Andrea and asked her to play and she quick made up a story how she couldn't play today.  She said she had company! I know who the company was - Tracy! And Andrea is supposed to be my best friend!

Tues, 1/12/82:  Yesterday I lost my Smurf in school.  Andrea said she saw me drop it but she didn't bother to pick it up.  I find out later from Tammy Rider that Andrea had had my smurf and lied to me.  I don't trust Andrea any more.  I don't trust anyone but me and you diary!

Thurs, 1/22/82:  Today I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled and it hurt like hell.  My mother said I acted like a baby.  My tooth still hurts and I had it done at 1:00 this afternoon.  The dentist gave me 4 or 5 shots of Novocain.  I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

Wed, 2/3/82: Yesterday in school I brought my PacMan game to school to play in study hall - but the asshole Ms Mutten said I couldn't play it.  She said you're not supposed to bring that to school - what do you think, teachers are going to use it?  Well, Yes - Mr. Polen used it at lunch - so Ha Ha!

Tues, 2/16/82: Today Tracy got a perm on her hair.  It looked funny because her hair was short already. Anyway, she wanted to show Brian Foster. She was fantasizing about how he would want to go out with her again.  Instead, Brian says to me - M~, my bed is warm.  Well I tell him to go suck a mule's ass.  Tracy was very very angry.  Now she wants him more than ever.  He started throwing snowballs.  Usually he threw them at me, but today he was throwing them at Tracy.  Either way, I'm not interested - but she doesn't need to know that!

Mon, 2/22/82:  I have noticed that this boy Scott Benway is starting to notice me! Because he's always looking at me and 2 weeks ago he asked to borrow a pen from me. He easily could have borrowed it from his friend sitting next to him - but no.  I just hope it keeps happening.

Fri, 6/25/82: Today is the last day of school.  Now I'm in 8th grade.  I didn't get good grades - but I passed.  English: B; Social Studies: B; Math: C+; Science: C+; Chorus B

Sat, 6/26/82: Today I went on the boat with Merry.  We went over to the Island and guess who was there – Richie B..  I almost died.  You see, I think he is soooo cute.  I'm going back there tomorrow with Merry and he is supposed to be there!

Aug, 82: Guess what? Richie started working at the deli. I'll be going there every day for the rest of the summer! oh yeah!

Sat, 9/11/82:  Mike O.  I've always known him.  I've always thought he was cute - but now he's a doll!  I'm sure he has a girlfriend in his school - he doesn’t go to my school.  He's Tracy's cousin and I think I love him!  Tracy likes David L.  I can’t believe that - yuck!

Oct 31, 82: I got my period today for the first time.  Seriously - Halloween?  Well, there's a dance tonight and I'm going.  Sean Conley is going to be there.  If he asks me to dance this time I'm going to say yes.  Mike just lives so far away!

Sat, 12/8/82:  Next week is Christmas and I asked Santa for Mike, and I got him! He came up to see Tracy. Yeah!  He is sending me a picture of himself for Christmas!  I love him!!  Of course, Tracy had to get in the way!  She starts saying all these things to Mike and I and we were both turning red.  Finally, I just got up and left and went home.  When I got there no one was home so I went upstairs and just cried!  The next time I see Mike again I will feel so embarrassed!

Thurs, 1/20/83:  I'm in trouble, Diary.  You know how I love Mike right? Well this kid in school Sean actually asked me out!  I said I don’t know because I really like Mike, but Sean is so cute.  It’s the first time someone has asked me out.  Help!  I told Sean I would let him know on Friday.

Fri, 1/21/83:  I didn’t see Sean at all today. Angie said he thought I didn't want to go out with him so he ignored me.  But I think I do want to go out with him.  Angie said she would talk to him without embarrassing me.  I hope so...

Mon, 1/24/83:  I told Sean no.  I said I liked someone else and I didn't think friends should mix or something bad would happen.  So its back to loving Mike!

Thurs, 3/10/83:  Everything important in my life has gone.  Nothing is going right.  I've lost Sean to Angie.  They are going out now.  My parents want me to quit chorus and cheerleading because of my grades. Mike hasn't been up in months. I'm mad at Tracy, Heather and Holly for teasing me and I'm failing math and health.  Life sucks.

Fri, 3/18/83:  Tonight I went to a dance.  Sean was there.  We got into a fight.  He yelled back - if you weren't so pig-headed I would ask you out again - and I know you want to go out with me!

Stupid! I'm so stupid! Never ever again will I be so stupid! Now I'm so lonely.  I've been thinking about him all day.  Him and Mike.  Why the hell can't I stop thinking of him?  God what am I to do?

Fri, 3/25/83:  Yesterday I wrote a note to Holly about Sean.  I copied all the entries from my diary about Sean onto the note. (big mistake) Holly let Angie read it.  Now Angie says she feels guilty about her stealing Sean away.  I want Angie as a friend, but I don’t know how I feel about Sean.  I want him to go out with me but, yet, I want Angie to go out with him because he really likes her better than me.  For Angie's sake, I want to be just friends with Sean, but for myself I want him to go out with me.  Now what?

Wed, 3/30/83:  And it all goes wrong in the end....  Today Sean says to me: "I want to go out with Angie and you know that, but she won’t because someone won’t let her."  I said, "You don’t mean me?" and he says, "Someone told me you like me more than a friend.  A lot more."  and I said, "What's your problem?" He says, "You."  and I say, "Me? What the hell did I do?" He says, "Angie won’t go out with me because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings."  I said, "Damn Sean, I don’t run Angie's life. I will talk to her and tell her that you want to go out with her and that if she did, I wouldn't mind."

Well, diary, Sean's gone and Angie's got him.  He won’t let her go now.

I just found out that my sister got into a fight with this other girl over her boyfriend.  It's just like my problem!  This girl Wendy likes Andy but my sister wants Andy for herself. So, my sister went and beat up Wendy.  The Troopers came here and had a talk with dad.  Dad had a screaming match with my sister. It's like my problem with Sean, but no violence.  I don’t think Angie and I would fight over Sean.  But I do think if I really found someone I liked a lot I would fight for him.  But I can’t say that now.

Thursday, 1983:  I hate Sean.  He is making cracks at me like I was some kind of idiot.  Angie isn't helping.  Damn him! One minute he is really nice but the next he's a real asshole.  He wrote me a note.  On the front was a picture of a music note and on the back he said "Just a little note. Love Sean".  Yes, he wrote Love...

Damn him!  What should I do?  I cant just stand back and let him shoot me down with insults.  He's doing it to Jill too.  Damn Him!  Maybe I can talk to Holly....

Sunday, 4/10/83:  We started our spring vacation today.  We are driving to Florida this week with my uncle.  Today we made it as far as Virginia.

Monday, 4/11/83: We made it to St. Augustine, FL today.  Tomorrow Orlando!!

Tuesday, 4/12/83: We dropped my uncle off in Daytona today and made it to Orlando.  Before we left St. Augustine we went to see the fountain of youth.  Guess I'll live forever now!

Wednesday, 4/13/83: Dad is an ass.  He wants to leave tomorrow just because at Epcot today Ma & I wanted to go back to the hotel and he didn't.  Total Ass!

Thurs, 4/14/83: We are staying, but Dad is still making life miserable.  We went to Sea World today and he had to complain about everything!

Friday, 4/15/83:  Today I was stuck in the hotel room with Ma & Dad all morning because it rained.  Tomorrow we can go to Disney!

Sat, 4/16/83: Today we went to Disney World.  Again, Dad made an ass out of himself and embarrassed me.  Wherever we went he would push me along like a little kid! When I finally shoved him away he yelled Stop It!  He got mad and we went right back to the hotel.  We are definitely leaving tomorrow.

Thursday, 4/21/83:  We are home.  I've learned that Sean and Angie have broken up for good.  I don’t know where that leaves me, but really I don’t care.  Not with the way Sean has been treating me lately.

Friday, 4/22/83: I learned today that last week while I was away, Tracy & David were going out and they actually made out at the old school.  David filled me in a little and Tracy told me the rest.

Monday, 5/2/83:  Well, he asked, I said yes and it's over with.  Not Richie - who I still have a major crush on - but Sean.  He asked me out!  Whoo-Hoo!

Tuesday, 5/3/83:  Today was okay.  I didn't see much of Sean. I wrote him notes - A lot! and that I never really talked to him.  People are saying "how could you go out with him?!" But they dont know I was after him all year.

Friday, 5/6/83: Tonight was the last dance of the year.  I broke up with Sean.  That I didn't mind - it was that damn Angie!  Jill told me afterwards that Sean just went out with me to get Angie back!  I found out it was true.  Sean and Angie danced almost every slow dance.  So I spent most of my time in the hall with Jill. Then Holly likes this kid named Tim and Angie knows him, so if she wasn't with Sean it was Tim.  Angie, Me & Holly all got mad.  Me & Holly stared swearing at Angie and she started to cry.  Good!  Then Sean came over and tried to explain and I god mad at him and smacked him.

Otherwise, the dance was good.  Well, Really great!  Guess who I got to dance with? Richie!!

Saturday, 6/12/83:  So much has happened lately.  First, Sean and Angie started going back out 2 days after the last dance.  I dont care though, because last week they broke up again.  I'm not after Sean - it's Richie I really like.  I go up to the deli to see him all the time.  Plus I see him in school which is great.

Friday, 6/24/83:  Well, I passed - I'm in 9th Grade! Yeah

Thursday, 7/19/83:  Always Remember:

You dont always have to try,

Just let the world go slipping by,

But just remember,

If you never say hello,

You wont have to say goodbye!

High School Drama Days

Sunday, 12/20/83:  Well a lot has happened from the end of school last year until now.

I met up with some friends at the riverfest and yes, Sean was one of them.  We had a fun time just walking around to all the booths.

The school year started off fine.  Then – Rich Mirando - no not Richie B. - he is still going out with Krista.  But Rich M.  He's a 12th grader who use to go out with Chrissy.  Well, he asked me out!!  I said no, because I still like Richie.  Well, Rich wouldn't lay off. To top it all off, in October, Tracy's parent announces they were getting a divorce! A few weeks later, Tracy left the house next door and moved with her mom, brother and sister down near Mike's home. 

"All at once you're all alone and scared, all the happy moments that you shared, change to good-byes"

Then I made a total fool out of myself in front of Richie B - and Jill writes him a note that says - Don't worry, M~ doesn't like you anymore.

Well, it turns out that he never knew I liked him in the first place!  Now he stopped saying hello and doesn't even look at me!

Then around December he started talking to me again.  I was so relieved he wasn't mad. So we tried to be friends again, but Holly saw this and put something in the school paper about me!  It says: What 9th grade girl initials MT is crazy about a 12th grade boy, initials RB (and he works at the deli)!

Seriously!  I hate people!

Sunday, 2/19/84: Guess what! I got a letter from Tracy today that says she's moving back home!  Next Door! Yeah!

Friday, 4/6/84: I went to a dance tonight and danced every dance with Jimmy Wiedel. Tracy got mad at me because she likes him and he didn't dance with her once! We got into a fight and I told her she had to walk home!

Tuesday, 4/10/84: Mike O. and I have become really great friends - or so I thought. You see he and I were writing back and forth for a while until I found out that Tracy told him to write me! I wrote him a really mean letter thinking he'd write back - well, he hasn't.

Sun, 4/22/84: Tracy & I made up and she invited me down to Mike's house for the day. I went and had a wonderful time! Mike and I actually walked around arm and arm all day!  Then when we had to leave we kissed! My first French kiss! I thought I was going to melt right there!  Then Tracy comes up and says Michael! You're going out with someone!  Well, I stopped and he blushed.  Tracy got in the car and I said, "I don't want to go." and he said, "Then let's go up to my room." I said, "I do have to get my coat." so we went up to his room and kissed again up there until Tracy's mom called me.  I left reluctantly. 

I think I'm in Love!

Fri, 5/24/84: Talk about a wild dance tonight! and it was so fun! I danced with Scott Benway all night! Then when we weren't dancing, Roger, Andrea, Scott and me walked around arm-n-arm all night.  Then when we left, I kissed Scott good bye - on the lips! Wonderful!

Fri, 6/22/84:  Well, end of 9th grade!  I passed - 10th grade here I come!

Mon, 6/25/84: I'm happy & sad all at the same time.  Today Mike leaves for Europe - but I had a dream weekend with him!  Andrea, Tracy & I went tubing Saturday with Tracy's mom and Kim. Tubing was fun, but when Kim asked her for us to sleep over, I was extremely happy.

Saturday night we all went upstairs after Kim's parents went to bed so we could all say good night to Mike.  We were sleeping outside in the camper.  Around 10:30, Kim, Tracy & Andrea went back outside.  Mike and I stayed together.  He was only in his underwear and me in shorts & shirt.  We laid on his bed and made out for 2 hours.  His parents didn't know - and at about 12:45 I told him I had to go.  I went back up at 2:00am but he was asleep. 

The next day was his going away party and he ignored me the entire time! He made up for it when I was getting ready to leave.  We French kissed goodbye and I wished him luck in Europe.  I love him!

Tues, 8/17/84: Mike's back! I got a post card from him from Sweden.  I'm really depressed though.  I'm not sure how he feels about me.  I know I love him, but does he even like me? These "lovey-dovey" games he plays don't help.  Tracy knows the truth.  Deep down, I think I do to. I just don't want to realize it.  Help! How can I be friends with him if I'm in love him? I can't just break off the friendship though... That would be like killing a part of me deep down inside. I cant help feeling confused. I mean doesn't everybody?  Mike has really torn me apart.  He's not like Sean. He is totally different, kind, gentle and caring. But my problem is that I don't know if he really cares about me! I need to know. Until then, I will stay confused. I know one thing though, Mike will always have a place in my heart!

"Star Light, Star Bright, First Star I See Tonight.

Wish I May, Wish I Might, Have the Wish I Wish Tonight.

I Wish You Were Here!"

Sat, 8/31/84: Kim is down to Tracy's house this weekend.  We went for a bike ride without Tracy and Kim told me that Tracy has been telling lies to me - and about me!

Kim told me that Tracy has been sneaking out at night to see David. The other night, Mel our neighbor caught Tracy but not David. She told Kim that if her Mom finds out, then she's going to say it was me. 

I also found out that Tracy told her mother about what happened with Mike and I.

I have now - once again - realized I cannot trust Tracy. She lies and is a terrible friend. I really can’t trust anyone anymore! From now on I need to keep control of myself and my feelings. I am used to telling people my thoughts and troubles - but no more.  It will be a challenge - but I must.

Sunday, 9/2/84: I've been thinking allot about Mike again. I just love him so much! There, I said it. I'm kinda shy to admit it - especially to myself. I also really hate myself for falling in love with a guy who I think, only wants to be friends.  I almost promised myself that when I had finished with Sean that I'd not fall in love without knowing about the guy first - meaning if he also loves me!

Mike has a smile that can melt stone! He's got eyes that can light up the darkest night! And he can take any girl he wants and make her love him!

In a way, I want to be a challenge for him, but then when I see him, I melt.  What am I to do? I pray for strength every night to be strong but every day I find myself thinking more about him. I don't want to go all winter without seeing him. I know Tracy will be going down to see him over Christmas vacation but I wont be invited. And still and all, I don't think I would go. Well, maybe...  But I don't think I could wait that long....

Sat, 9/29/84: Well, I'm in 10th Grade now.  I went to the first dance of the year last night. It was fun. I danced 3 dances with Scott and one with Jimmy. Tracy didn't dance one slow dance. However, all I could think about was Mike.  I haven't gotten a letter from Mike since he got back from Europe.

Thurs, 10/20/84: A guy named Joe starting going to our school in September. Over the summer, he and Andrea fell in love. Well, since then, Joe and I have become friends.  I have told him everything about Mike and he has told me things about him. However, he told me he was really an undercover narcotics investigator - but I just don't believe that... however, coming from Joe, it might not be so hard to believe. Andrea broke up with her boyfriend Herman to go out with him.

I've always wanted a relationship with a guy like this, but I wanted it with Mike. Speaking of Mike, I haven't heard from him in 5 months!

Wed, 11/7/84: Ronald Regan was just re-elected President. but that's not what I wanted to say. Since I've been hanging around with Joe, I've had 3 boys ask me out. First, Joe's cousin Joel, then Bill W., then Luke. The first two I said no - but I haven't said anything to Luke yet.

The fact of the matter is that he just might have a chance. I don't know if I'm ready to take that chance. I don't want him to be another Sean and I still love Mike, but I haven't heard from him in Months. What should I say? I'm going to try and have Joe help me with this one.

I wish Mike would write.  He doesn't realize how much he is ruining me. I don't know if he cares or not. If he does, then Luke is as good as gone. but if he doesn't, then Hello Luke.  It all depends on him and he doesn't realize it. I wrote him a letter telling him that.  I sent it yesterday, so I'll let you know if I get a reply.

Wed, 11/15/84: Well, I have a lot of things to tell you. First of all, I had to tell Luke no. Then, Joe and I get into a fight and we still aren't speaking. Then, today, I get a letter from Mike. Here is exactly what it said:

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the letter you wrote me a few days ago. I think I should say that if you hate me for the rest of your life, I understand.  It's no mystery that you loved me before I left for Europe. I have a feeling that me writing you has hurt you more than anything. I'm very very sorry. I deserve hatred. I'm also sorry about the incident that took place before I left. I never meant for that to happen. I never really loved you before, during or after I left for Europe. When you were there, it was just shortly after I broke up with someone. During my stay in Europe, I thought about what I did to you, but then I got to see the German girls and then I forgot all about you. Then, then when I got back, I couldn't stop thinking about the German girls and then around the first of October I met this other girl and fell in love like I never have before. I truly love her, so much that I would risk my life for her. I have vowed on my life to be honest to her. For these reasons, I found it necessary to write to you. I'm sorry. Depending on how much you love me will decide how much this hurts you. I'm finding it very difficult to write this to you. but I need to write to you because I couldn't leave you wondering how I felt about you. You're very nice, but I don't think I could ever really love you. I know someone is waiting for your total love. I'll tell you, it's wonderful to have the full feeling of love. The invitation to write is still open if you like. It's up to you. If you write back, fine, if not, I shall understand. No matter what, I'll always remember you with fond memories.  Good bye?? Mike

Well, I guess that says it all....

Monday, 12/31/84: Well, it's New Years Eve, it's around 5:00pm and I'm sleeping over at Tracy's tonight.

Remember when I told you about Joe? Well since he and I had that fight, things haven't been so good. We still confide in each other, but he now tells Tracy more things than me. I admit, I was jealous at first and of course, Tracy flaunted it. I hate it when she does that!

I don't mind so much now though.

But, Christmas day, Joe was down to Tracy's house when her mother wasn't home. They were down in the basement when they heard someone coming in upstairs. Tracy told Joe he should go out the basement door, so he was just about the walk out the door when Tracy kissed him on the lips!  And guess who walks down the basement stairs at just that moment?

Andrea.

She saw that and was so shocked she went home and hasn't seen Joe since.  He is supposed to call us tonight.

Tues, 1/1/85: Happy New Year!  Tracy and I were up until 4AM.  We finally got finished talking to Joe at 2:30 am when Tracy's mom came home.  Joe was upset that Andrea might break up with him but Tracy and I convinced him that she won’t.  Well, back to school tomorrow....

Wed, 1/2/85: Well, Andrea is still going out with Joe. Heather is pissed at both Tracy ad Joe and thinks Andrea should break up with Joe, but I don't think she will.

Wed, 1/8/85: Well, Tracy, Andrea and Joe are out together to cause trouble. I just know that something is going to happen to blow this whole cover out in the open.  Tracy's not neat with the way she hides things. Andrea's mother is going to find out about Joe very soon. Joe and Andrea are getting careless also.

When something happens, I'm glad I won’t be there. I've gotten out of that circle.  I'm in with Chrissy and Jim. Which I like.  Chrissy and Jim are going out and are so cute together.  I just can’t wait for Joe's little world to come crashing down around him.  I feel sorry for Andrea. But she got herself into it.  I won’t feel sorry for Tracy. We really don't need each other.

Friday, 1/11/85: What a day! Joe and Andrea broke up in 5th period. She said she is tired of sneaking around behind her mother's back to hang out with him. He got so depressed that I made Andrea and him go to the basketball game.  When they got there, they talked things out and started going back out again before the game was over.

Sun, 1/13/85: Guess what? I have been asked to the Semi Formal! Pat asked me. He's a friend of Joe's.  I haven't asked my mom yet, but I'm planning on going.  The dance is in February.

Tue, 1/15/85: Well, I asked my mom - and so far she said ok. I hope nothing goes wrong. I have to get a new dress and everything.  I hope everything goes okay. Tracy is also going with Pat's brother Aaron.

Thurs, 1/17/85: Well, something went wrong.  Tracy, Joe and me and Aaron skipped school today. Joe went back to school around noon but Tracy, Aaron and I stayed out and when we got home... The truant officer called Tracy's house and Tracy got grounded and couldn't go to the dance. Her mom then called my parents and I'm grounded. But I don't know if I can’t go to the dance yet.

My mom just came in and said she didn't think I should go. I said it wouldn't happen again then the phone rang and she left. I hope I can go! I have to go to this dance! Pat is picking me up in a limo and its all paid for!

Sat, 1/19/85: Well, I'm still going to the dance. My parents dont know that Pat is from another town but something tells me that they will find out - and will find out about the limo too. I just can’t stand sneaking around like this. It bothers me.

Mon, 1/21/85: Well, no school today. Amy and I went ice skating. I came home to find my mom talking to Tracy's mom about the dance. My mom asked me if Pat & Aaron were friends with Joe. I said yes. That was all. She didn't ask about out of town - and I didn't offer.

Wed, 1/23/85: Well, the shit hit the fan. When I got home, mom said, "you haven't been very honest with me have you?". No, I said. she said, "Pat & Aaron are from out of town, aren't they?" Yes, I said. She said, "Why didn't you tell me?" I told her I didn't think she would let me go if I told her they were friends of Joe and they lived out of town.  She said she would have let me go - but she would have thought about it more.  She said that Pat & Aaron are from a decent family and it’s just that they started hanging around with Joe who has a bad reputation.  She said she was going to talk to Tracy's mom about us going to the dance still.

Thurs, 1/24/85: My god - every secret I've ever had is coming out this week. Tracy's mom found out about this phone in Tracy's basement that really works. Tracy has been calling Joe from that phone and talking to him at all hours of the night. And Tracy is blaming me for some of it!  I had nothing to do with it! Her mom told my mom that I did! So now my mom thinks I have lied to her!

I hate Tracy! She lies and gets me in trouble so she can get off the hook!

Geeze! I'd be better off dead.

Friday, 2/8/85: Well, I have some catching up to do! First, the phone bill came in from all the calls and it was $102.00.  The bill came on Tuesday. We haven't figured out how we are going to pay it yet but it has to be soon. Tracy's mom wants me, Tracy and Andrea to split the bill 3 ways - which isn't right considering Tracy made most of the calls! My mom suggested that she try and make the phone company pay for it.

Well, tomorrow is the semi formal dance. I haven't even met Pat yet! Leann, a friend from school knows him and says he's gorgeous. I'm kind of nervous.  I hope everything goes okay. Tracy, Aaron, Pat & I are all going in one limo.

Sun, 2/10/85:  WOW! One word! They picked Tracy and I up around 8:15. We went to the school and stayed until 11:00. Joe went with Denise S. Tracy & Aaron walked arm in arm all night. Pat and I held hands. We danced only about 4 slow dances before we left.  They had food there, but Tracy and I didn’t eat. At 11:00 we left for McDonald's. All the way up Tracy & Aaron were making out.  And suddenly, Pat & I just stared making out. We stopped shortly after that because we arrived at McDonald's but it was closed.  We then went to Burger King.  Tracy, Aaron & Pat and I were making out the whole way. Pat became really forward! He had his hand under my dress and everything! I didn't let him get very far though.

When we got to Burger King, Tracy & I went to the bathroom. When we got out, Sean comes in! When he saw me there his mouth dropped open - for real!

We left Burger King around 12:30 and got back into town and rode around for about half an hour.

I had the best time!  I hope something comes of it. Pat is really cute.

Mon, 2/11/85: Well, the talk in school today was what happened at the dance.  Joe had talked to Pat and apparently Aaron said in almost detail what was going on with Pat & I in the back seat. Joe started telling people about this. Later in the day, Kerry, a friend of Tracy's who knows Pat and is in Love with him, came up to me and started giving me the third degree about just what happened.  I just told her that I had a wonderful time and if she wanted to know more, she should ask Pat.

Fri, 2/15/85: Well, I got in touch with Tracy today so she could fill me in on her valentine’s day. She said Aaron sent a rose to school with Joe for her. She didn't like the idea of it being delivered by Joe, but she said he is her only link to Aaron.   I called Pat tonight when my parents went out. He wasn’t home. I left a message.  I don't know if I should have. I don't want to push things, but he is cute.

3 Weeks until my 16th birthday!!!

Fri, 3/1/85: I went to a dance tonight with Andrea. She started going out with Herman again. I'm glad.  I danced with Jessie tonight. He's not a bad kid, just not my type.

Mon, 3/4/85: Well, Tracy told me that she and Aaron broke up last night. I don't really like that. It means I can't see Aaron anymore. I really think I like him more than Pat. Everybody keeps asking me about Pat, but I haven't talked to him since last week.

Tues, 3/5/85: No school today. Snow day. Aaron surprised Tracy today by coming to her house. She was in a bad mood, so I figured this was my chance to get with Aaron.

Tracy went upstairs to curl her hair so I kept Aaron company on the couch. The next thing I know we are making out! I enjoyed it.  Tracy came in and we quickly stop. Aaron then says he wants to go for a walk. He completely ignores Tracy and he and I walk arm in arm for a while. Tracy was really upset.  I was really glad.

I can’t fight this feeling anymore!

Fri, 3/8/85: Happy Birthday to me!  16 finally.  I just got back from a dance.  I found out that Jessie likes me!!  Ugh!  He's not that bad, but I don't want to go out with him. Help!  Andrea was there but Herman wasn't.  I danced with Scott B. twice.  He is still dreamy!  I think I could really like Scott if given the chance!!

Wed, 3/12/85:  I got a letter from Jessie today asking me out.  I said no. He is not my type.  I also found out today that Jill likes him.  That was the excuse I used.

Mon, 4/8/85: You will never guess what happened today!  Sean asked me out again!  I couldn't believe it.  I told him I would have to think about it.

I have talked to Angie about this and she said I should go out with him until Friday and dump him like he dumped me.  I might.....

I'll keep you posted.

Tues, 4/9/85: Well, I told Sean yes. I can't believe it.  I am going out with Sean.

You know what? I'm not as happy about it as I would have been in 8th grade.  In fact, I wish I were dead.  I have been thinking all day about this and if this thing with Sean and I gets around then I wont have a chance with Scott.  I really want to be with Scott.  I think I will tell him that I really don't think this will work twice.

Wed, 4/10/85: Well, the relationship I wanted so much in 8th grade is over.  I told him that I really didn't believe I could live up to what he expected of a girlfriend.  I even took the ultimate step.  I told him I liked Scott.  I don't know if that was a mistake or not.. but I'll keep you posted.

Sat, 4/20/85:  Tracy came over to my house today and told me that Mike's parents are getting a divorce.  I couldn't believe it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.  I haven't talked to Mike in forever.  I would love to write to him and have him talk to me, but what would i say?

I'll ask Holly... she'll know.

Wed, 5/1/85:  I still don't know what I should do about Mike.  I haven't written him yet.  Tracy has been down to see him several times and each time she comes back with the message that he is wondering why I don’t' write to him.  I know he needs a friend but I would rally prefer if he wrote to me first.  I would feel more comfortable on the subject.  But he hasn't written.  What am I going to do?

Maybe I'll let it rest for a while.

Guess what?  Midnight Express is playing at the dance this week.  That's Joe's & Aaron's band.  Tracy & I are going.  I hope Pat is there!

Friday, 5/21/85: Well, Midnight Express had the dance and Pat was there and I danced with him all night.  Joe said he is going to put on another dance soon.  I can't wait.

Tuesday, 7/16/85:  Dear Diary.  I have a lot to catch up on.

Joe never did have that next dance and I haven't heard from Pat since that night.

I finally did write Mike that letter, but I never did get a reply.  I tried to avoid the issue of his parents’ divorce.  I asked him about practically everything else.

I had my final exams and passed everything.  I'm not officially in 11th grade.  Tracy took her regents exam - the exact same test as me - and I got an 83 and she got a 43.  She has to take the course over again.

June 21st I had a pool party.  It was pretty fun. Jim, Chrissy, Tracy, Angela, Matt and Heather were all there.  Tina couldn't come because she got into a moped accident.

On the 4th of July I went down with Tracy to her Grandma's house. We went Tubing and then spent 2 hours at Mike's house.  It was the first time I had seen him since last year before he left for Europe. I tried not to go near him at all, but yet be polite at the same time. I think it went off okay.

July 13th was the yard sale day. We had a ton of fun and Tracy asked me to spend the night down at her grandma's house again... We ended up spending the night at Kim and Mike's house.  ....and then it happened again.

We were all in Mike's room and Tracy went to Kim's room and left Mike and I alone. I tried to resist at first. I think he did to, but the feel of each other so close got to us and that was it. We were together until 6:30am! He had his underwear on and all I had on was a night gown. He told me it was up to me how far we should go.  I said nothing. I was scared. How was I supposed to tell him that I have wanted him for so long but I have no idea what to do?

We ended up making out all night.

The next day he didn't really treat me differently. He was still kind and gentle, but I tried to stay away from him.  I guess I didn't want what happened before to happen again.  I wrote him a letter when I got home telling him how I felt.  I should get a reply by Friday....

LOVE AND WAR

Wed, 7/17/85: I ended the last page of my old diary with a page about Mike.  I was waiting for him to return a response to a letter I wrote to him. If he wrote back as soon as he receives it, I should get a reply either tomorrow or Friday. But of course, he may not write back that soon.  And that is where I get worried.  I need to know how he feels and the only way I can know that is by his reply to my letter.  I don't know if he wanted me to tell Tracy or not, but its too late now.  She read a copy of the letter I wrote to him.  I really feel bad about letting her read it. I know I shouldn't have let her do that, but its too late now.  I want to see Mike again, but yet I need his reply before I do.

 I may be spending a week down at his house with Tracy.  I would really love to do this, but I'm not sure if I should.  Well, I'll let you know when his letter arrives.

July 18, 1985: Tracy called up Mike today to wish him a happy birthday. I didn't really get to talk to him for very long.  But he did say he got my letter and he also said that it would probably be awhile before he wrote back because he has a ton of other letters to write to other people.  I told him that made me feel real important.  He didn't reply.  Now I'm going to have to wait longer.  I don't want to, but I have no choice.  At least I got to hear his voice again. I loved it. I guess I could really admit it, I never really got over him. I still love him and probably always will.

July 25, 1985: Well, it's been 2 weeks almost now since I've seen Mike.  It has been exactly one week since he received the letter that I wrote to him about what happened that weekend.  I still find myself thinking about him at the strangest moments.  Like when I'm in the pool, I wonder what it would be like if I were drowning and he saved me.  Or what it would be like to have Mike spend the night at my house or camp out with him... things like that.  I'm now listening to Hard Habit To Break by Chicago.  I think that fits the way I feel now.  Mike is a hard habit to break. 
I'm sleeping over to Andrea's house tonight.  We are camping out in her tent.  Tracy was supposed to be here but her mom said no.  So its just Ani and I.  Andrea was asking me about Jessie earlier.  I told her that I didn't go out with him because I liked Mike, which is true.
Well, gotta go.. I hope Mike writes soon!

July 28, 1985:  Well it has now been 2 weeks since I have last been with Michael.  My feelings are fading again. One moment I'm totally in love with him and the next I'm really oblivious towards him. He still hasn't written and I am starting to doubt I will ever hear from him.  In a way, I really wish he would write so I know that at least he doesn't hate me. 
But yet, him not writing might be a message in itself. His way of saying he understands how I feel but yet he has nothing to say because there is nothing more to say.
As soon as I get my license, Tracy and I are going to drive down there. This way I can see him in person. The only problem with this is that I don't know when I'm going to get my license. I have been trying to get my parents to let me take the road test, but they wont let me.  I Must get it before the end of summer!

August 1, 1985:  Well, today is August 1st.  And Saturday is August 3rd.  On This August 3rd I was to leave with Tracy to spend a week at her Grandmothers house.  You see, Mike and Kim and her Grandma were to come here for the Riverside festival. They would spend the entire day with us. 
That is what was supposed to happen.
Yesterday, Tracy told me that Mike and Kim were going water skiing for the weekend instead.  Meaning - they wont be coming here for the festival.  Now, Tracy's grandma wont be coming to get us and Tracy and I are going to leave on Sunday - with her Mom taking us down. I cant begin to tell you how disappointed I'm feeling right now.  I really couldn't wait for them to spend the day here.  They could have met our friends, gone swimming, seen my room - but none of that will happen. 
You see, they will probably be home late on Sunday, then Mike works on weekdays and so does his mom - but they wont be home during the week. By the time Saturday rolls around they will be free and Tracy and I will have to leave.
I really think I'm over reacting but I can't help it.
I keep telling myself I do Not Love Mike! Mike is just a friend.
But I don't know if it is working.
I am going to get over him.  I'm going to show him that I don't need him.
I will.
I promise.

August 7, 1985: The week has been fun so far.  We went to day camp with Kim and Mike and I've had a great time.  We were at Kim and Mike's house tonight and Tracy thought she got drunk on one glass of kalooha, but Michael and I knew she was just acting.
I also found out that the last time I slept over to Michael's house turned out to be pretty unfortunate for him.  The second day Tracy and I had went to see Barnum, the girl that Michael as going out with dumped him back stage.  At first I felt really happy. The night I had spent with Mike he had no girl friend.  Then I feel really jerky for thinking that it was me he was thinking about all that day. Then I wondered what it was he was thinking about that night.  I felt a little awkward when Kim told me this. 
For now, I will put it out of my mind.

August 10, 1985:  Well, I'm home now.  The week went fast.  Kim and Mike came down to grandmas before we left.  Kim and I said goodbye and hugged.  Mike and I just really looked at each other.  That was about it.
I shared an entire week with him and I guess I could get along without him if I had to.
but I will always remember him.

August 19, 1985:  Hello.  I might as well start off by telling you that I'm thinking about Michael again.  Its no surprise to me - nor to you diary, I'm sure.  The thing is, that whenever I find myself thinking of him, I get really mad at myself.  I know he doesn't love me or even like me as more than a friend, but the thing is, that at other times, I don't mind it when I think of him.  I rather enjoy it.  I'm getting myself really confused. 
Another thing is that my neighbor, Mrs VE is in the hospital. She has to have an operation today. I have been friends with her ever since I can remember.  The problem is, I don't feel anything towards this.  I don't feel sad, or worried or anything. I'm not really sure what's wrong. 
I find myself putting up a wall.  A wall that is so thick, nothing can get in. No pain. Nothing.
I think I'm afraid of being rejected. I've been rejected by so many people... Sean, Pat, Aaron, Joe, Michael....
I dont want to let anybody in because whenever I do, they just reject me. 
People often wonder what it is that can drive some teenagers to commit suicide.  I have a feeling of one of those things...

I hate the feeling of rejection.  I fear it.  So I try to make new friends.  But it is hard.  I try to hard.  Now, i think, my subconscious is giving up. not letting me feel.
My wall is getting so thick that only a set few have keys to unlock a secret escape door that I have built into it.   Michael is one of those few.
Kippy was another.  Even though she was a dog, we shared a life together. She had feelings that only I understood and she listened to me.  In a funny way, I think she really did understand. 
I find myself still crying when I think about her. I know, even though she is dead, I miss her and that her key still fits that lock and opens the door to my feelings, and lets me cry. Lets me love. And she wont reject it.  The thing is, she isn't here to give me love in return. 
There aren't any others, i think, that have these keys to my feelings.  Everyone else who I have tried to give these keys to have rejected them. The only reason that Michael still has one is because of the two nights we have each shared.
I have nothing else to say. I have said everything. 
I'm scared to feel.
Scared to love.
Scared to let others love me. I reject them before they have a chance to reject me. In away, I think that's why I get mad at myself for thinking about Michael.  I know he will reject me and I don't want to feel the hurt.  I don't know what to do.  I love him and cant stop myself.
What should I do?

September 4, 1985: Started school today.  Here goes another year.

October 10, 1985: I feel awful. Tonight we had a party for Heather. She is moving to NJ tomorrow.  The party was at Jill's house.  I guess it started out okay, but it ended up in tears.  Chrissy and I nearly had a radical fight - but if it wasn't for Mike T we might still not be talking.  Heather started crying because Jill was upset that everyone was so loud. Then Jill threw Jessie out of the house - then Jill's dad said it was over and we all left. 
I'm going to miss Heather.

November 2, 1985:  How much can I take?  Margaret is having problems with her boyfriend Len.  She tells me about the problems and then she and Len work it out.  Same thing with Chrissy and I. She has problems with Jim and she and i talk then she works it out with Jim and all is wonderful again. 
Well today Margaret asked me who I liked.  It all came rushing back to me.  Something I've been trying to hide for awhile now.  My love for Mike.  I told Margaret that nobody knows who I like. She said I could trust her.
If I tell her, aren't I just setting myself up again? Letting my hopes get up and then falling again? There was a moment, when I was on the phone with her tonight that I thought of telling her about Michael and how we spent the night together and how I still have feelings for him.  But something inside me clammed up and I couldn't say a word. I changed the subject to talk about her and Len - just like I do with Tracy when she talks about Michael.
I just now stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes, trying to figure out why
everybody loves somebody
but nobody loves
me.

November 14, 1985:  It all seems so complicated.... Life.  I guess I'm just bored.
I long for a simpler time.  A time when no matter what you were like you were respected because you were a lady.  A time when you rode on horseback and danced with handsome men who admired you for your grace and beauty.....

Of white palomino horses or sleek black stallions, running fiercely in the wind. 
At sunrise
At Sunset
The wind blowing gallantly threw their thick manes
So colorful and beautiful
They stand majestically looking
always looking
away
into the future.

Saturday, December 21, 1985:  Only 4 more days until Christmas. It doesn’t really feel like Christmas.  I mean, there is snow on the ground, Christmas shows and songs are heard and shopping and wrapping and Santa and gifts and all that, but it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.  Something is missing.
I feel as though I could care less weather I get something or not.  I'm happy with what I have.  I think I don’t need anything. 
I think what I need is someone special to love.  Andrea has John. Chrissy has Jim, Caron has Herb. Margaret has Eddie. Tina has Randy. Even Jill has Mark. I have No One.
It really makes me upset to think this. Even though I think I have more friends than ever, I just cannot bring myself to find someone special just for me. Why?  Am I really all that bad? Ugly? Fat?
What's the use..............